Critty Joy

Random Friday Musings.

Hello Peaches!

I had some random things to share and what better day to share than on a Friday?  

There have been a few posts lately that have touched my heart...especially about hope...

Two have been guest posts on Lore Ferguson's Blog Sayable... Lore is a new to me blog find and I am enjoying her guests....and reading her back posts.

Hope is Circular was something my heart needed to read... and Hope is Breaking did this single girl's heart good in knowing I am not alone.

Jon Acuff's post on Loving the Unlovable brought me to tears because it is something so close to my heart right now.

My dear friend Amanda had this quote on her blog, Ruin is a gift - Elizabeth Gilbert, and she also linked to this post which messed me up but gave me hope.  :)

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See this girl:

she is turning 2 two weeks from today.  Time is going by much too quickly!  

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I have been thinking on this and decided to just put it out there.... 

Would you like to guest post on Critty Joy Blog in June?

I am not going to blog over our vacation coming up and I decided to put a call out to you if any of YOU want to guest post while I am on vacation.

It would be a pretty quick turn around as I would need your post by June 7.

The topic could be anything but right now I am really pondering hope, imperfection, faith, dare, freedom, story, and the list could go on.  And you can always share part of YOUR story.  :)

You can leave a comment here or email me: crittyjoyblog {at} gmail {dot} com

I will definitely be posting photos of our trip through instagram so if you are there you can find me (crittyjoy), on twitter, and on facebook!  

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Today's plans include getting a hair cut and finally seeing The Avengers and then a weekend getting caught up on things.

Do you have any fun plans this weekend?

 

Have a delightful weekend dear ones!

 

Hope Laughs.

This year was suppose to be different.

Oh how I set myself up.

I get my plans in mind and forget His.

Then to have a year of dare?

Daring to live differently, on purpose, freely, courageously.

At the same time my heart struggles daily with one simple thing....hope.

This year has also been about daring to hope.

Hope for more.  Hope for bigger dreams.  Hope for things my heart wants but is afraid to admit.

Hope for dreams and prayers to come true.  

Hope is a good thing.

A beautiful thing.

I think at times that is why I am so scared to hold on to it.

When life beats you up you have a tendency to be a pessimist.  

Which means I am letting circumstances determine how I think and feel.

I am working on all of it and He is constantly sending reminders and lessons.

Like the book for book club, Beautiful Outlaw has shown me Jesus in a new way...and now re-discovering Him in the Word?  It makes my heart happy.

Kristen's series Storm has been so challenging and encouraging.  I have yet to listen to last week...partly because of being sick and partly because I am still pondering session 3.  Kristen said one thing that is constantly been on my heart that has helped me hold on to hope....

 

As always feel free to use this image as your desktop background. Just click on the photo and it will open in a different window at full size.

 

This has helped me so much on the hard days... our Hope has already come.  He is here.  When I think I can't do it any more or when it just seems to hard...or when I just want to give in to fear.... this phrase comes to mind.  Hope has come.

And then....there was Monday morning.

After little sleep I woke up still not feeling well and just plain grumpy.  I looked outside and it was cloudy and all I could think of was my bed.

I left for work and as I turned off our road...the sun was breaking through the clouds and I was struck with the gorgeousness of the morning.

Before I knew it I was laughing.

My heart was full of joy and hope in just that simple moment.

He had surprised me with beauty.

I realized...hope laughs.

The thing is...sometimes hope is simple.

It's the sun bursting through the clouds on a grumpy day that brings laughter.

It's the photo of my niece in her sunglasses saying the word ocean as we talk about our trip.

It's the smell of rain right before the first drop falls.

It's the smell of honeysuckle...and taking a trip down memory lane with trying to taste it.

It's a simple gift from a friend.

It's laughing until you are crying with a friend over something you discover and find well...odd.

It's thinking of you texts.

It's family.

So many simple things.

So much of our life is simply...hope. 

And sometimes hope is laughter.

 

P.S.  I promise I will be back to blog visiting and emailing soon.  Still on the mend from this cold/flu.  <3

 

A Late As of Late.

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Welcome dear Peaches to this month's As of Late!  

For more information on As of Late you can go here.

Just grab the button code above if you want to use the button in your post.

Announcement:  As of Late is no longer going to be a linky.  I am still going to write a post every month but no longer host a link up.  However, if you would like to join me you can leave your link in the comments and I will most definitely come visit!

Lately I have had a very nasty cold so I have been quiet...and am very behind on blog reading and emails.  Hoping I feel better soon.

Lately the countdown to family vacation is less than one month!  I cannot wait to put my toes in the sand and feel the breeze in my hair.  

Lately it's been a struggle to hold on to hope but I am trying my hardest.

Lately re-reading Beautiful Outlaw with the book club at Exemplify has been so challenging and encouraging.  Between the book and Kristen's Storm series He is working on my heart big time!

Lately I've realize how much I like control.  Especially as I research things and try to make my own plans without waiting to see what His are.

Lately laughter has come in unexpected and fun ways.  Friendship is magic.  ;)

Lately reading Luke again has made me appreciate his unique perspective of the life of Jesus.

Lately I have been thinking of hope and wondering when you move on and when you keep hoping.  (still pondering this...)

Lately handwritten words in my journal have been comforting and freeing.  I am getting more creative in my journaling with colors and other fun things.

Lately there has been a stirring....

 

And so I have been wondering what has been going on with you as of late?

 

 

A Reminder...

I wanted to create a visual reminder of what I was working on right now.... holding on to hope.

So I created a desktop background and thought I would share it with you!

I even added a May calendar to one for those of you who miss my quotable wallpapers.  ;)

Just click on the image you choose and it will open in a different window at full size and you can download it from there. (For mac just drag and drop into the file you want.  For PC right click and save as.)

Terrified Excitement and Prayer.

First, I just want to say thank you so much for your kind words through comments and emails last week as I shared my story.   You encouraged my heart so and made me feel loved.  <3

So now you know I am choosing hope.

In many ways that means choosing to trust Him.  No matter what.

It's been hard because of many things but mostly because of not being able to find a job.

I have been looking for a part time job to help me out until I can find a full time job.

I have applied to most every where local to no avail.

At the same time I have put a great deal of work into applying for jobs as a residence director at a college.  College students are some of my favorite people and I feel like I could really do well in the position.

Alas... most of the doors are shutting there.

At times it's hard, this not knowing what I want to do...what is that next step.

Last weekend we had a small family get together with some family...and a chance to catch up and say goodbye to my cousin Jenn and her husband Chris.  (They left for Africa again yesterday on a trip with their non-profit Retouch.  You should definitely check out their awesome ministry!)  

While we chatted they mentioned teaching English in Asia.

My Aunt Kim was like you should do it.

I thought for a few moments and the conversation moved on.

I spent a great deal of last week thinking about it and praying about it.

Doing some research I found that South Korea is one of the best places to teach for a year (or more).  The research fascinated me and I found myself reading all I could about Korea.  

I decided to take a step of faith.

I applied to a recruiter to teach English in South Korea.

Here is what I think....

A step of faith is just that, a step.  It's saying you know what.... I am going to take a risk and see what happens.

So you take that step.... and you seek His Face.

I have no idea what will happen in the coming weeks and months...if I will get a job here, or in another city (I applied to jobs in several different cities!), or even another country.  

However I trust that He is going to guide my steps and open doors and close doors and I am going to see the path He has laid before me the very moment He wants me to see it.

I am terrified.

I am excited!

Ahh...terrified excitement.  It's such a fun place to be.

A place that I trust is fully HIM.

Following Him is not meant to be easy...it's messy and dirty and terrifying.  He asks for hard things.  His timing is different from mine.  

Yet at the same time knowing He is going to lead me on the adventure of a lifetime....just because I am is and He is mine...is exciting and so much more than I can imagine.

Over the next few months I would covet your prayers.  That I would continue to seek His face and that I would trust Him and know He has a plan...and that my footsteps would follow His.

And now...it's your turn.

I would adore praying for YOU.

So today... How can I pray for you?

You can leave a comment here or email me (crittyjoyblog at gmail dot com) if it's something you don't want to share in a comment.

I am going to set time aside this week to carry you to His throne and lay you at His feet and let Him love on you as only He can.

 

The Hope. :: Part 5.

Part 1.

Part 2.

Part 3.

Part 4.

Today's part of the story is what I am currently going through.   It's the end of sorts...but also a beginning.

2 weeks ago after several really rough weeks I spent the weekend quietly in some ways yet it was busy.  Through it all a song lyric came to mind often.  Hold on to hope, love.  

The more I thought about it the more I realized it was something I needed to do.

To just hold on to hope.  To choose every single day to hope.

I was not sure it would make a difference... but it has.

So. Much.

As I have processed through some thing I have realized something...

There is beautiful hope in brokenness.

I have been broken and laid bare this year.  Even experiencing the beauty of freedom... there is still brokenness.  Yet there.  In my brokenness is where I see Him the most.

That's the thing about being broken and laid bare. In all those pieces you can truly see the lies, the walls, every single hurt, all the things that and in seeing it for what it truly is... You see Him.  The One ready to start picking up those pieces and putting them back together.

Oh not the same as it was.

Because once you've been broken the pieces no longer fit together as they once did. He takes each piece walks through that brokenness with you and places it back in you.   It's different.

But then again an encounter with Him should never leave us the same.

We are made new in our brokenness.  

Once we encounter Him.... our brokenness becomes something more.

Something He can use.

And He does.

Hope in my brokenness.  

Hope has helped me accept the brokenness, the numbness, the pain, and the freedom.

Hope is what I choose.  Sometimes it is a daily choice.  A choice that some days I have to make over and over and over.

But it has been so worth it.

So if you are struggling today...

Hold on to hope, love.

 

The Freedom. :: Part 4

Part 1.

Part 2.

Part 3.

As I look back I am fascinated my my one word for each year since 2009.

Journey.

Hope.

Freedom.

Dare.

 

After the brokenness, the pain, and the numbness I began to realize there was so much more to my life than what I was living.  My journey started learning that life was indeed a journey and on that journey you needed hope.  2011 was a year of freedom and it was bigger than I could have ever imagined.  The reason I could finally focus and begin my journey toward freedom was that I had accepted the brokenness and the pain.  It was a part of me and made me who I was.  I was stronger because of it...because He was in it the midst of it.

I let go of so many things.  Lies that I had believe for so long like I was unworthy of love.  Trust is still a bit harder for me but I give it to those I am closest to.  Friends and family who invaded my heart and would not let me go.

Freedom has taken the form of steps of faith.  Of conquering fear with truth and being brave in spite of not feeling it.

I let go of baggage and a job and expectations and religion.

I found peace, joy, and a lightness to my heart I never thought I would feel.

Freedom found in Him is true freedom.

It's the freedom that you can literally feel in your heart.

I always wished for that freedom.  Now I realize I had to take the journey He had for me to get there.

It was hard.  At times I wanted to give up.  At times I wanted to just curl up in a ball and wish the world away through my tears.

I wanted Him to make it easy.

I wanted Him to just fix it.  To mend all those pieces together and let me be.

He does not work that way.  

Brokenness is meant to bring us closer to Him.  (more on this in the last post tomorrow!)

And slowly... I have seen His timing for this is perfect.  His purpose shines through and I get to experience the beauty of freedom.

The beauty I knew would come.

I just had to wait.

Freedom was my coming beauty.

Now He gives me something even more beautiful to look to...

The Pain. :: Part 3.

Part 1.

Part 2.

 

(via pinterest)

In February of 2009 I saw my counselor/mentor and we had a real talk for the first time.

Real meaning I finally let her in just a smidge.  

By the end she suggested I come visit her over Spring Break and work through some more things. (she lives in another state) 

Did I go?  I knew she would delve deeply and ask some hard things and I would have to talk.  

Talking meant feeling.

It also meant accepting my life as it was.

The thing about being numb is that you don't have to accept anything... and it had been nice not accepting the truth.

So I went to see her during Spring Break.  Along with her and another counselor I spent some time digging deep.  It was terrifying and one of hte hardest things I have done in my life.  I cried so hard and so long I physically hurt.

By the end I had beautiful words spoken over me and I had at least acknowledged some truths.

Abuse.

Lack of trust.

Co-dependency.

Accepting lies as truth.

Anger, lies, manipulation.

Realizing I had built my own world in my mind and for years had thought it was perfect.  It was...because it was not real.

 

After that spring break I took months work through what I had heard and began to slowly accept some of it.

Near the end of the year I realized I needed more help.  Weekly help in the form of a counselor.

While I had accepted some things....the pain was intense and I was unsure of what to do with it.  I knew I needed to feel it and to find a way to move forward.

I realize now I was probably depressed. 

I let myself feel and now it was time to figure out what was next.

As a counselor I was pretty picky about criteria for a counselor.  I really wanted a woman.

Unfortunately living in a small town it's not like there were a lot of choices.

I finally decided to go one time to see G.  So in early 2010 I made an appointment.

Truthfully I went into the whole thing with a bad attitude.  It was not what I wanted and I was ticked.

My first session with G lasted for over two hours.  I told my story in halting details and with a lot of tears.

At the end it was what I needed.

A gift.  God had given me a gift...it was not what I wanted but He had given me what I needed most.

I met with G weekly.... and even better not only did he listen and help me see how to move forward he also used my gifts to help me work through some things.  My creativity became even more apart of who I was.

Soon it became bi-weekly and then as needed.

The brokenness had become numbness and then pain... and now I was on my way to something more....

The Numbness. :: Part 2.

(Part 1)

After graduation I moved back home.  My parents were back together and I was starting a new job where I was going to get to use the degree I had worked so hard for.

It was a tension filled few weeks.

Mum and I along with my sister-in-law (she was just my brother's girlfriend at the time) went with some of our extended family to Disney World.

It was lovely but there was such a heaviness.

Something was coming.

I just knew it.

We got home late and I knew.

My Dad had left and for good this time.  

For me it was a relief.  For my Mom is was devastating.

He chose to let her know over the phone.  In which for the first time in my life (and actually the only time) I grabbed that phone and let him have it.  It was and is the ugliest thing I have ever done.

For moments I felt again.

The rage was intense and real and so ugly.

And it was over and I sat there shaking... and then...

the numbness came over me again.

It's hard to realize how long I let myself stay numb.

Not days.

Not weeks.

Years.

I acted as if everything was okay for more than 3 years.  

Inside I felt nothing.

Happiness.  Saddness.  

They were fleeting and I just moved day to day as if I had no purpose.

It was as if ice had taken over my heart.

Those pieces frozen in place.

In 2008 God brought a mentor into my life.  She was truthful from the begining.

I remember vividly her telling me, Christy you are not okay.

It would be a long year before I finally grasp that truth.

Honestly when I look back being numb was the easy part.  I did the bare minimum of things to be a part of my own life.  It's easy not to care.  No one can really hurt you, there are no expectations,  you exisit but you don't really live.  

I was not ready to accept emotions again so even though I had been told the truth.... I chose to wait.

Turns out I can wait patiently when it's my choice...but when it's His choice...well that gets difficult.

So the numbness settled around my heart again...

The Brokenness :: Part 1.

(For the last two weeks it has been heavy on my heart to write this story... a huge part of my story.  I am not sure how many days it will be but this is the beginning...)

In 2005 I experienced one of the highlights of my life and the lowest point of my life.

Sadly that one thing colored my whole year... and often we jokingly call it my year of hell because it was and is still the hardest year I have ever had in my life.

One February evening in my dorm I had watched a show with one of my best friends, A, and she had left to go practice for intramurals.  

The phone rang and it said home....picking it up it was not my Mum but my aunt.

My Mum had found out some devastating new and they just wanted me to know...

My Dad had been having an affair for many years.  (this was the tip of the iceberg but not what this story is about so I will only be sharing this detail)

In moments the life I thought I knew came crashing down before me.

I am a private person so I only felt comfortable calling a 2 people.  My best friends A and B.  (yes...together we were A, B, C!)  B was in town doing ministry so I left a message and A came back immediately to my room.

I told her in halting sentences and then we sat in silence where she just played with my hair and I tried to absorb what was going on.

For several days I sat on the couch in our small dorm watching television, not sleeping, and not eating.  Talking to my Mom every chance I could.  

A and B sat with me, if I even mentioned something might taste good they would go find it.  Most often they just sat quietly with me (playing with my hair....not sure why I find it comforting but I do) and just being a constant in my life.

My RD (resident director) at the time was a darling lady who came to check on me every day and one day brought a miniature rose plant because I needed a small reminder of beauty in my world.

I met my Mom halfway between school and home that Saturday and we talked and she made sure I stayed in school.  It was hard.

I was so broken.

As the week progressed and more came out I realized how much of the life I thought of as mine was really....

a lie.

I cried.  I raged.  

It was just so much to take in.

It was as if I had been shattered into a thousand pieces and I had no idea how to even move from that point.

I was a mess.

Yet I continued.  It was 3 months until graduation.  I was almost finished with college.  I could do it.  

Graduation finally came and it was not the day I wanted. For years I would resent that the day I had worked so hard to achieve was one filled with utter disappointment and hurt. Filled with more lies and tension.... I just wanted it to be over. 

Then it was.

And all that was left was the numbness.